Asalaam Alaykum

to put it simply and not write paragraph because i hate writing long, everythimg rubbish.


From about the age of 17 i wanted to do different things, i no longer found school subjects interesting and eventually started to hate everyday of school.
I always spoke to my mum about wanting to go and study quran full time and learn arabic but she would always say you can do that on the side while going school. I would never dare to mention this to my dad in case his blood pressure rises.
Now few years later im working at a job where my manager is treat me like dirt compared to others, my colleagues all backbite each other and i get paranoid and anxious about them talking about me, I get bad feedback from manager and colleagues that i dont communicate well enough (but how can il when they are disrespectful people) i work 30 hours for slave pay and fall asleep on the couch when i get home because my body is so tired. I have been wanting to wear niqaab all the time but i feel like a hypocrite when i dont wear it at work so eventually i just stopped wearing it at all. I feel the quality of my salah is bad and it wont be accepted. Literally how can i just pray 5 times a day like i feel this is not enough like I only remember Allah when its prayer time khalaas. Studying quran on the side is not an option because of the nature of my work, i need my day off to study. My work is constricting me from doing what i really want which is to be closer to Allah. that is what will really make me happy. But i have to make society happy and go to work.
This happened when i was in school and its happening again i feel I'm going to crash and make my parents unhappy by wanting to quit. I feel like and absolute failure. If i quit im going to look like a lazy fool and loser to the rest of my family. Im just so upset with this routine. maybe this is depression. I can't think of any other reason. The one who forgets Allah will have a depressed life...